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Children generally hate parental lectures.("You're wrong, I'm right." "You can't convince me. Consequently they defend their position to the bitter end. Children, like adults, seldom like to be shown they are wrong.Logic and facts often make a child defensive and resentful.("You always think you know everything.") The act of trying to teach another often makes the "student" feel you are making him look inferior, subordinate and inadequate.Advice sometimes results in the child's devoting all his time reacting to the parents' ideas to the exclusion of developing his own ideas.Įxample of Roadblock #4: Teenager says to friend,"School sucks - I want to quit." Friend says, "Why don't you make an appointment with the school counselor?" Roadblock #5: LECTURING, GIVING LOGICAL ARGUMENTS.("You wouldn't suggest that if you really knew how I felt.") Advice can make a child feel his parent has not understood him at all.("Why didn't I think of that?" "You always know better what to do.") Children can also acquire a feeling of inferiority.Advice sometimes communicates your attitudes of superiority to the child.("Let me figure this out myself." "I don't want to be told what to do.") Sometimes children strongly resent parents' ideas or advice.They may influence a child to become dependent on the parent and to stop thinking for himself.Such messages are often felt by the child as evidence that the parent does not have confidence in the child's judgment or ability to find his own solution.("You should always respect your teachers.")Įxample of Roadblock #3: Daughter says to you, "Melissa called me a 'meanie' and she won't play with me." You say, "You should tell her you're sorry." Roadblock #4: ADVISING, GIVING SUGGESTIONS OR SOLUTIONS They may make a child feel the parent does not trust his ability to evaluate the validity of others' blueprints or values.They make cause feelings of guilt in a child-that he is "bad." ("You shouldn't think that way.").They may make a child feel the parent does not trust his judgment-that he had better accept what "others" deem is right.Children may respond to such "should's", "ought's", and "musts" by resisting and defending their posture even more strongly. Such messages bring to bear on the child the power of external authority, duty or obligation.Children sometimes are tempted to do something that they have been warned against just to see for themselves if the consequences promised by the parent actually happen.Įxample of Roadblock #2: Teenager says to dad, "I really don't want to do a speech in front of the class." Dad says, "If you don't, you'll probably fail the class." Roadblock #3: EXHORTING, MORALIZING, PREACHING Children sometimes respond to warnings or threats by saying "I don't care what happens, I still feel this way." These messages also invite the child to test the firmness of the parent's threat.They can communicate that the parent has no respect for the child's needs or wishes ("If you don't stop playing that drum I'm going to get really upset").("If you don't get to bed right away, you're going to get spanked.")
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They can evoke resentment and hostility in the same way that ordering, directing and commanding do.These messages can make a child feel fearful and submissive.They can communicate to the child that the parent does not trust the child's own judgment or competence ("Don't touch that dish." "Stay away from your baby brother.")Įxample of Roadblock #1: Child says to parent, "I want another drink of water." Parent says, "You've had enough- get to bed right this minute!" Roadblock #2: WARNING, ADMONISHING, THREATENING.They make the child feel resentful or angry, frequently causing him to express hostile feelings, throw a tantrum, fight back, resist, test the parents will.The child hears a threat by getting hurt of someone bigger and stronger than he ("Go to your rom – and if you don't I'll see to it that you get there.") They produce fear of the parent's power.They communicate unacceptance of the child as he is at the moment ("Stop fidgeting around.").("I don't care what you want to do come into the house this minute.") These messages tell a child that his feelings or needs are not important: He must comply with what his parent feels or needs.The 12 Communication Roadblocks A catalogue of effects of the typical ways parents respond to children Roadblock #1: ORDERING, DIRECTING, COMMANDING